There's 2 groups in my FB consisting of blogs or caring bridge pages that I follow daily.
The Warrior Group and The Angels Group.
I started with none on my Angels Group and over the years, I found myself moving one too many, and too often to the Angels Page.
Today, the number of blogs on my Angels Group has far superseded the blogs in my Warrior Group.
Today, through tears, I have to move another blog over.
The blogs seem like just nothing more than online journals that I read. But I grow with them and I learn from them.
Each blog is the precious and yet painful reminder of these little heroes who never stopped fighting. And each has a name and a life that will be remembered for a long long time.
The journals represent the many kids whose precious lives were cut short by a disease that will have a cure in years to come. My biggest regret is we couldn't find that cure earlier.
This is not a post to amplify life's sufferings and losses even though the pain of losing a child can never be disregarded. I am still in pain daily.
But a dear friend gave me some wise words last.
"Pain is good. Being able to feel pain simply means you are alive. You don't want to lose the ability to feel pain. Depression is feeling nothingness. People suffering from depression inflict cuts or injuries on themselves not to end their lives but to feel something, even if its pain."
For some time now, I had started to fear for my own sanity. I feel down, my heart yearns for my little girl. I started weeping silently again. Some sights with little girls Charmaine's age will make me tear instinctively.
There are also some friends who started to worry for me. It got me anxious with myself. I even checked with my counsellor a couple of times and got her to promise me that she will let me know that I needed to seek more help if she felt I wasn't normal.
Hearing the words from my friend made me feel so relieved. I am normal. And while the hurt of losing my child is so darn painful that words can't even describe it... All these negative emotions are normal and expected from someone who has gone through traumatic experiences...
Nevertheless, I digressed.
I have been consciously trying to cope with my loss in the least negative way... It isn't always easy because the pain and yearning keep sneaking back. I know I won't ever stop feeling this hurt of losing my child and I don't think I will ever want to. Because I hurt for I have loved. For as long as I am alive, I will always love my baby girl and I will always ache for her. This life altering experience is here to stay whether I choose it or not... And my only option now is to learn to cope with it.
And one of which is to attract that positivity back into my life.
And this brings me back to today's writing...
This is rather hard for me because everytime we lose another child, my first initial reaction is to feel nothing but absolute depression... I refused to look at it as a relief. The idea that a transition from a physical life to spiritual existence is pretty much a big joke to me. I simply refused to let any of those ideas enter my head. There's absolute no other perspective that I needed to learn from the loss of my own child or a child of another family... Nothing except pain. Nothing except that it's wrong. Nothing except that it's absurd and inhumane. It defies my entire life directions and principles.
I understand that there is the other side of a coin but I refused to acknowledge it. It feels so wrong to me.
Today is the first time ever I am attempting to look at the other side.
Just because today this is how Jack Bartosz would have wanted it.
I will always remember you for being all things positive, Jack. You taught me more than my teachers ever could. Please say hello to Charmaine for me.
I BACK JACK.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jackbartosz
Love,
Cyn mommy
